The Romance of Celibacy
Celibacy? Romance? How can those two things go together?
Friends, I argue that celibacy is indeed a romance. It is not a negative, but a positive choice; it is not the denial of love but rather a loving commitment made to Christ as the Beloved. Celibacy is the opposite of marriage only in the sense that a coin has two opposite faces: marriage and celibacy are two sides of the coin of love in Christ.
Many people are confused about the difference between celibacy and chastity, so let me briefly define them. Celibacy is the condition of refraining from marriage or any sexual activity; it is a charism, a gift of the Holy Spirit. Chastity is the condition of appropriate sexuality in one’s particular state, whether married or single.
All Christians are called to be chaste – all Christians, at all times. For single people, that means refraining from sexual activity until such time as they are married. For married people, chastity means fidelity to one’s spouse and appropriately participating in the marital act.
All Christians are called to be chaste, but not all are called to be celibate. Most Christians are called to marriage, and so will practice chastity in both the single state and the married state at different times. Marriage is a profound mystery of the Christian faith, instituted by God before the Fall; it is a mystical union that reflects the union of Christ and His Church.
But some Christians are called not to marriage, but to celibacy, which is more than just an extended period of chastity – it is a particular calling, and a gift. It’s no surprise that the wider culture doesn’t understand celibacy, but even within the Christian community, celibacy is often misunderstood. It’s not a state of waiting for the right person. It’s not a condition of having given up on finding a spouse. Really!
Rather, celibacy is a gift, the charism of deliberately choosing a life of total chastity for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven.
As such, it is not the opposite of marriage, but its complement.
Consider Jesus’ teaching on celibacy in Matthew 19. Jesus had just been speaking about marriage – in the strongest possible terms. He calls the listeners’ attention to Genesis, saying “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:5-6).
In response, the disciples, alarmed by the prospect of marriage without divorce, exclaimed “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry” (Matthew 19:10). In other words, they saw celibacy as the negative option: the only option if marriage seems like too much responsibility.
Jesus replied by saying, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.” (Matthew 19:11-12).
For some, an extended period of chastity may come because of circumstances: a necessary choice due to physical issues or disorders, or because of harm done in the past. We cannot expect that it will be easy to follow Christ, and for some people, celibacy is the cross that they must bear. Suffering is at the heart of the Christian faith – we worship Christ who suffered and died on the Cross for our redemption – and we should not make the mistake of thinking that it is possible to follow Christ without any suffering or self-denial. As Jesus says earlier in Matthew, “whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 10: 38-39).
But when Jesus speaks of celibacy, it is not just in the context of suffering. There are those who are celibate “for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.” The Kingdom of Heaven! Suddenly this doesn’t seem so much like self-denial… in fact, it seems a lot more like an invitation to participate more fully and more deeply in the mystery of Christ. An invitation? Indeed, yes: for Jesus says, “Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.” We receive celibacy as a gift, an invitation to participate in a deep mystery of relationship with Christ. The one who is called to celibacy does not enter into marriage, and thus does not bear or sire children, but instead directs that energy and attention into his or her relationship with Christ.
But notice what comes next in Matthew’s gospel: “Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people, but Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.’ And he laid his hands on them and went away” (Matthew 19:13-15).
The call to celibacy is framed on either side by marriage: by commitment to marriage between the man and the woman, and by loving care of the children who are the fruit of that union. The disciples try to keep those annoying kids away from their teacher, but our Lord insists that the children come to Him. Celibacy does not mean that you don’t like kids, or that you don’t think raising children is important. For me, at any rate, being celibate and childless means that the children of my friends are precious to me, and I consider it a true privilege and blessing to be the “auntie” for them and all the children in my church family.
Celibacy is the complement of marriage. It is a choice made for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. It is a path of self-sacrifice, a participation in the way of the Cross – but so too is marriage. Each has its challenges and sacrifices, each its joys and blessings. Both the married and the celibate participate in the Body of Christ and receive God’s grace in the roles to which He has called them. And both celibacy and marriage center on love – the love of Christ. May we all honor Him every day by living our lives in joyful chastity.
Related posts:
Dr Holly Ordway came to Christ through reason, in the pursuit of truth. "In your hearts honor Christ as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect" (1 Peter 15).
She writes about her journey from atheism to orthodox Christian faith in her book "Not God's Type: A Rational Academic Finds a Radical Faith" (Moody Publishers).
