Being Present
I wonder what it would be like to have a simple, uncomplicated, non-busy life. Sometimes I think it would be really nice. Soothing. Peaceful.
Then I realize that I’d last all of about a week in that life before I would be finding more things to do. I mean, look at it this way: I chose to go back to school for another graduate degree – even though I already have a demanding full-time job – because I wasn’t feeling challenged enough. Hah! I asked God to show me how to serve Him – and before I knew it, I had a book to write. Well, I asked, didn’t I?
One of the recurring topics in my prayers is my desire to draw closer to God, to know Him more closely. I genuinely desire this – with my mind, always, and with my heart, most days. (It’s a work in progress.) The thing is, how does one go about drawing closer to God? I suppose I pictured it just sort of happening, like the way one gradually warms up when the heat gets turned on. I imagined closeness to God being something that would soak into me, gradually.
I don’t think I stay still long enough for anything to soak into me.
So – instead, I find myself doing work in His service. Good work; things that I am very sure are to His honor and glory. Writing my book. Studying apologetics. Teaching my classes. Helping out in church. The only thing is, when I am in the middle of it, it feels like too much. Forget “feels like,” it is too much. How can anybody do all these things, and do them well, and stay sane? I can’t do it, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!
Then:
Oh… right. I can’t. Not by myself; not on my own strength.
That’s the point, isn’t it?
I know myself pretty well. What else would drive me to my knees in prayer, other than this? What else would make me lift up my hands and say, “Lord, I know You have given me this work to do, and I can’t do it by myself… help!” What else would make me turn off the computer and open the Bible and look for His words of comfort and guidance? What else would make me willing to turn to my brothers and sisters in Christ and ask them to pray for me?
Nothing else, I suspect, at least not right now. Maybe someday I will grow into that relationship with Him where I can turn to Him right away, before the load feels too heavy for me to bear. Right now… right now it is enough for me to reflect on how He does give me the strength and the guidance that I ask for, when I ask for it – though not always the way I expect.
It is enough, right now, for me to be in the present moment. If I look ahead, I terrify myself. The what-ifs and the to-dos multiply like fruit flies over a bowl of overripe peaches. It would be easy to become paralyzed. But no: be in the moment. He is with me; He is always with me; His strength is sufficient for me this day, this hour, this moment.
And – God is good. Doing good work is a joy, but it is also only part of a life. Work, prayer, leisure: all in balance. I read the Daily Office mornings and evenings now, and I find the structure of liturgical prayer to be an incredible blessing, helping me to create a space in my day, and a space in my consciousness, for time deliberately set aside to be with God. I almost skipped morning prayer today, but I thought, no, I want to spend that time with Him – mindfully, not half-distractedly as I go through my morning chores. And, as usual, I was glad: and more settled. Not entirely, but more than I have been for a few days – and so I realized I ought to do something that had been on my mind for weeks.
I went to the beach!
I live only a few blocks from the Pacific Ocean, and yet I had not set foot on the beach all summer. Fortunately, it was still there, in all its sandy, sunny glory.
Me being me, after I set up my beach chair, I spent the first forty-five minutes reading. After a while, though, I tore myself away from my book (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, if you must know) and actually looked around. Hey, I’m on the beach! I put down my book, walked down to the water’s edge, and waded out to where the waves could splash up to my knees.
How often do we look around but see nothing? I’m guilty of this all the time. I spend a lot of time in my own head, or in other peoples’ heads via books – go figure, I’m a knowledge worker. So I tried to really pay attention for a while. The water, swirling around my ankles – hey! not as cold as I’d expected. Really rather refreshing. Looking out toward the horizon: the way the water abruptly changes to a darker turquoise color. A sharp white triangle of a sailboat, bobbing away. The play of foam and water on the sand, the dark stripe of wet sand giving way to powdery dry sand.
Looking around and actually seeing – it was like getting a refreshing breeze through my brain. And I thought: God is good. He made this, and He is sharing it with me, totally gratuitously. And to enjoy it, I have to be present in the moment: this moment, with the salt water swirling around my legs, with gritty sand between my toes, with the scent of the breeze, with the cries of happy children making sandcastles behind me.
Which takes priority: to do, or to be? My default is always to action, but fortunately God has a way of reminding me that action must always come out of being. What I do will inevitably reflect who I am. So to do His work (as I desire to do), I need to be with Him (as, in truth, I desire to be). And that being-with-Him is not something that comes later – next Sunday, next month, next year – it is now. In the present moment.
Related posts:
Dr Holly Ordway came to Christ through reason, in the pursuit of truth. "In your hearts honor Christ as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect" (1 Peter 15).
She writes about her journey from atheism to orthodox Christian faith in her book "Not God's Type: A Rational Academic Finds a Radical Faith" (Moody Publishers).
