Truth, Beauty, and Christian Life

The High Cost of Low Expectations

Posted by Holly Ordway on Feb 8th, 2008 in Christian Life, Culture | 1 comment

“Image” is itself a neutral word. The important question to ask is, image of what? Of whom? Modern culture has us chasing after false, destructive images most of the time, but in radical contrast stands the most profound Christian statement of identity: that we are made in the image of God. Whether we use that image to determine our expectations for our lives, or whether we settle for something less, has a profound effect on our lives.

I found myself thinking of this the other day, when I read in the newspaper about another teenage celebrity getting pregnant, this time a 16-year-old television actress. Predictably, there were expressions of dismay about the effect of this example on her young fans. What struck me most, though, was a quoted comment from a teenage girl: “It’s unrealistic to expect that 16-year-olds won’t be having sex.”

Unrealistic.

In that single word, we see the loss of hope. What we cannot envision, we cannot achieve. This is not rocket science; it’s obvious to anyone who has ever tried to achieve anything. If we envision a result and strive for it, we may or may not succeed – but, ironically, if we envision failure we are sure to achieve it.

The aggressive expansion of “sex ed” is based on this expectation of failure. If kids are going to have sex, then let’s at least teach them to not get pregnant or sick. In my lifetime, even, I have seen sexual education programs spread from high school to middle school to elementary schools, apparently on the theory that if if some sex ed isn’t working, then more of the same is needed.

In response to that, we have the promotion of abstinence-based sex-ed programs, but this utterly misses the point. “Abstinence-based” sex education still operates in the context of preventing negative consequences: it’s touted as the most effective means to avoid pregnancy and disease. Great. But it’s ultimately self-defeating to teach abstinence as a protection strategy: if another approach seems to allow for more “fun” while still avoiding pregnancy or disease, why practice abstinence?

More important, though, an emphasis on abstinence as “sex education” trivializes the issue of healthy sexuality, allows it to be defined by the forces operating in the broader culture. And if you don’t think boundaries of healthy sexuality are blurred these days, consider the study that found middle-school girls who performed oral sex on classmates claimed they were not sexually active. Were they in danger of getting pregnant? No. Of getting a sexually transmitted disease? Probably not. Were both the girls and the boys degrading themselves, abusing their God-given sexuality, and setting themselves up for alienation and self-destructiveness? Absolutely.

Consider GK Chesterton’s comment on the subject: “A young man may keep himself from vice by continually thinking of disease. He may keep himself from it also by continually thinking of the Virgin Mary. There may be question about which method is the more reasonable, or even about which is the most efficient. But surely there can be no question about which is the more wholesome.” Sadly, what was not in question in 1905, would not be taken seriously – perhaps would not even be allowed to be expressed – in public or private debate today.

This is an issue for everyone, not just kids in school. In fact, I think it is even more of an issue for those of us in our twenties and thirties. There’s at least a slight sense of cultural discomfort with fourteen-year-olds having sex, but for young adults on their own, the assumption is that being sexually active is normal and expected. What passes as responsibility is using a condom; what passes for conservative values is dating for a month before having sex.

What we need is to regain a view of chastity as a positive value.

Chastity outside of marriage, and appropriate sexual behavior within marriage, is not about protecting yourself from nasty consequences. The Christian virtue is 180 degrees away from the contemporary view of chastity as denial and repression. Chastity is about living as a child of God, living in wholeness and happiness by accepting God’s guidance in our lives. It is a positive choice, not a negative one.

Let me be clear that I’m speaking to this not in an academic sense, but from personal experience. As a young adult, with no knowledge of God’s plan for me, no idea that I was made in His image and precious to Him, I made poor choices about my own sexual behavior, choices that seemed OK at the time because I had no idea there was another alternative… choices that ultimately led to an unadvised and destructive marriage and, later, divorce. The crash-and-burn of my marriage led me to take a hard look at (among other things) God’s will for me in terms of my sexuality.

I know that without a doubt it is God’s will that I live a chaste life outside of marriage; I also feel that He may be calling me, personally, to celibacy, not just chastity. Jesus’ words in Matthew 19:12, and Paul’s teachings on marriage and celibacy, have struck me deeply. In the past year and half, as I have embraced those words in my life, I have had challenges to deal with, but it has been a glad and freeing experience.

In choosing to live without sexual relationships, I am not closing down but rather opening up. I am consciously directing myself toward Jesus. I am freeing myself from distractions and obligations so I can give more of myself to serving others in my church, and build more and stronger relationships. I am no less a sexual being – but I am a rational, God-created sexual being, and by virtue of Christ’s redemption no longer a slave to my desires. Being celibate has not been a turning from, but a turning to: turning toward Christ, with my whole self. It has been – and is – joyful.

Not all are called to be celibate; I don’t know for sure that I am for my whole life, just that I am right now. But we are all called to be chaste, and it is vital that we see that as a positive thing, as a reflection of the right image – the image of God.

Perhaps the saddest thing about the loss of chastity as a virtue in our culture is that it is a symptom of the loss of hope. If we cannot imagine a better way of living, we cannot strive for it. The loss of hope for ourselves leads to accepting low expectations, and, in turn, to rejecting even the value of higher expectations. Where are we now? It’s not that our culture sees chastity as too much of a challenge; it sees it as pointless and stupid.

And so we, as Christians, are called to be profoundly counter-cultural. It is not “hip” or “cool” to be chaste. Chastity is more likely to meet with disdain than tolerance. It is likely to be viewed as an excuse for not being able to “hook up,” or as a defense for emotional problems. Personally, I am incredibly blessed that most of my friends view chastity as a normal part of living in obedience to God, but I’m keenly aware that’s not the norm.

Is it difficult to face up to infinitely higher expectations? Is it hard to admit how our past choices have grieved Jesus? Is it tough to swim against the tide? Yes, and yes, and yes. But we would do well to remember that it’s not about me, but about Christ who lives in me (Gal 2:20).

As Paul writes,”don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.” (Rom 6:3-4).

Let us give our bodies as well as our hearts and minds to loving obedience to God. Let us recognize that we are made in the image of our loving Creator, and, turning from our own low expectations, accept His gracious help in meeting His higher expectations for our lives, day by day.

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